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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store