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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.