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Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.