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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.