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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
My house has really let itself go.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.