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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.