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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.