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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.