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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.