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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Forgotten pocket money is the best!