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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds