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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.