Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out