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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.