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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.