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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.