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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Siri, where are my pants?
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?