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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon