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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop