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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…