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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.