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My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
In space they just call it "Jam"
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.