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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.