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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!