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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.