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You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.