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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?