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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.