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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.