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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
it`s friday o clock
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.