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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.