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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?