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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
exercise........you mean extra fries
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.