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It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
My favorite beer is the next one.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what Iām doing.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.