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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.