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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.