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This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Do you really have to breath that much?
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."