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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.