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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.