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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for ā in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, Iām part of the other 2%
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.