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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.