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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.