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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.