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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"