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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.