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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.