Daily Silly Status

I cant remember the last time i forgot something

NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.

H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.

I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.

Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.

If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.

If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.

Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them

What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?