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I cant remember the last time i forgot something
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying βI do.β They say βI accept the terms & conditions.β
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Smile, itΒ΄s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I was so angry when I found my wifeβs profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isnβt βfun to be around.β
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?