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I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.