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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
“I saw that.” -Karma
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.