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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?