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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.