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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?