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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.