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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.