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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
A wise man, will often say nothing
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.