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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..