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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.