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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.