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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...