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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
The first sign of laziness:
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.