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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.