Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!