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When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.