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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.