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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.