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Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I liked you better before we met.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside