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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work