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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)