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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
So can we just skip to summer now?
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.