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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes