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It`s funny how when you post a status and some people think it`s about them..Hahahaha it was.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Bacon...need I say more
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.