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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.