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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
I play hard to get along with.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.