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Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?