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I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.