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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.