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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!