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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?