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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"