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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.