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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.