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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!