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It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Iām going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....