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At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(