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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.