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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.