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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.