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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.