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Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?