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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards