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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.