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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.