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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.