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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
The secret to success is in my bra.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.