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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park