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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
My mind has a mind of its own.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .