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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.