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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.