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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Reincarnation is my only hope.