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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.