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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.