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Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.