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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?