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I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.