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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.