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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.