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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Save water, shower together.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".