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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.