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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.