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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.