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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of