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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.