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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.