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Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.