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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.